but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
