The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
