K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i may or may not be watching the land before time
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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