okay pat passed out under dana's car
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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