Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
