Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
