Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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