So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I love having hate sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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