Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
