see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
