Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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