Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
