Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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