New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
