I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
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i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
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I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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