rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
