I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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