i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The beer is more important than you right now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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