I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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