i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
