I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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