Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
