Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
