Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
