I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This house was built for laser tag.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
