Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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