I wish my penis had an off switch
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
