I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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