I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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