i just wanna soil my oats bro
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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