So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
