I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry my hands just texted you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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