Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
