he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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