Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
