hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
