He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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