Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
