She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
