: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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