cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
