the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
