I cannot find my penis.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
