There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
where are you?
Hypothermia
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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