What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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