So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
