I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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