a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
