Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
