I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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