He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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