im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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