Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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