her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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