somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
