I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
